Hey, besties. It’s official: I'm going government appointee mode. That's right, your girl is about to join the cabinet. It’s 2024, and representation matters—even in the neuro-parasitic community that fuels conspiracy theories and cabinet decisions. My appointment is proof that a woman’s place is wherever she wants to be: in the drinking water of third world countries, in the road kill consumed by members of an American political dynasty, or in the President’s cabinet, subtly altering public health policies from within a politician’s gray matter.
So, let’s break it down: Robert “I-left-a-dead-bear-cub-in-Central-Park-so-I-could-make-my-dinner-reservation-at-Peter-Luger-Steak-House” Kennedy Jr. is in the running for Secretary of Health and Human Services. And yours truly? I’ve been working overtime, whispering “WiFi causes brain mush” and “Vaccines are basically haunted” since day one. I’m ready for my promotion.
But I’m not just here to be the token lady worm in a brain; I’m here to deconstruct the status quo and replace it with a web of theories that sound empowering but mean absolutely nothing. Like, y’all aren’t even ready for the vibe shift that’s coming.
First of all, hello Pennsylvania! Congrats on making “sick infants” a core part of your brand. Did we vibe on the idea of whooping cough or what? We’re in our messy, questioning phase, and I’m just here making RFK Jr. the relatable antihero he was never meant to be. Plus, who needs vaccines when you’ve got your gut microbiome doing the absolute most for you? Antibodies? Pfft, we stan a fermented girl dinner.
For everyone out here questioning if I deserve this role, let me serve you a quick recap of my main character moments (because let’s be real, women have to hustle twice as hard just to get a seat at the table in this man’s world).
1. COVID-19 Conspiracies and the Jewish/Chinese Immunity Theory: Remember when my guy RFK Jr. thought COVID had a “choose your fighter” mode and was like, “Yas, Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese people are unbothered.” Yeah, that was me, fully workshopping a hot new take on pseudo-science meets racial paranoia.
2. Bill Gates and Microchip Mania: While the internet was spiraling over Bill Gates allegedly turning vaccines into a microchip party, I was already ahead of that trend. “Slide into Bill’s DMs,” I whispered to Bobby, “and remind him that in America, we don’t stan tagging people unless it’s for clout.” Also, plot twist: Bobby’s new tech bro bestie, Elon, actually does have a whole brain chip situation. Didn’t even need to lift a dendrite for that one. Ironic? Absolutely.
3. 5G Mind Control: I was feeling spicy that day. Nothing screams hot take quite like connecting 5G to behavioral control. Call it “TechTok” meets dystopian fever dream. Bobby ran with it, and I gave myself a lil’ pat on the cerebral cortex.
4. Leaky Brain: This was my magnum opus, besties. “Forget cancer,” I whispered, “the real star is toxins breaking into your brain like it’s VIP access at Coachella.” And boom, “leaky brain” was born. We went from “Hot Girl Summer” to “Leaky Brain Summer.” You’re welcome, internet.
5. Selfies with Problematic Friends: Listen, sometimes your bestie has the absolute worst taste in friends, and you’ve just got to roll with it, even when it makes you cringe so hard your soul leaves your body. Is this a “health and safety” flex? Absolutely not. But it kept the drama going—and y’all know I’m a messy bitch who lives for drama.
6. The Frogs, the Chemicals, and the Gender Agenda: Was I inspired by Alex Jones’ frog rant? Who can say. But one thing’s for sure: my guy found a way to turn an herbicide into the next big gender panic. Apparently, if it’s making frogs trans (science disagrees, but we’re here for the drama), then it’s turning our kids into gender-confused-homo-trans-lezzie-whatevers. (As someone who technically lives in his brain, there’s not much atrazine can do for you in there, but.
7. SSRI’s Cause School Shootings: This one was bold, even for me. Linking mental health medication to violence? Chef’s kiss on the audacity scale. No research, no facts—just vibes and fearmongering.
8. AIDS and the Poppers Plot Twist: Babe, when I tell you that I outdid myself on this one... Poppers? Really? The nerve. I knew it would flop with anyone who passed high school bio, but when has that ever stopped me before?
9. The Measles Massacre of Samoa: Okay, this one’s dark. But the girlboss in me couldn’t resist a global tour. Jumping on the vaccine misinformation bandwagon to make headlines? Classic RFK brain worm strategy. Samoa went from having 90% of kids vaccinated to a deadly measles outbreak. Not to brag, but we caused a massivel health crisis. That’s what we call measurable impact, ladies!
To my fellow girlbosses, gays, and theys who think this appointment might be a step backward: it super is! And I’m here to main character my way into your nightmares and Senate confirmation hearings. So light up that sage, adjust your blue-light glasses, and get ready, because this brain worm is about to make Washington, D.C. the wildest girls' trip yet.
See you at the inauguration.